It is a resuscitation of tracks
and retreating snowfall
leading me to
you
There is not a wind
blowing the leaves
around just
yet
But it will come
with warmer weather
hearts all
a muck
For now the breath
turns cold and the icicles
hang just so
quietly
I cannot wake you
yet.
Madness becomes you, when you are sick.
I like this, and the ending seems good, but I don't know/feel why the "resuscitation". The word doesn't seem to fit with the simplicity of everything else.
I like "hearts all / a muck."
Yeah, I agree with parch. Maybe "reemergence"? Also, there are some articles which I find awk within the piece:
"a" in lines one and five.
"the" in lines six, 13 and 14.
I think this will clean it up a bit.
Ending in "yet" makes me come back to the "yet" used earlier. I think this poem should only have one. You know?
All in all, the piece is simple, but with some simple revisions, could stand a bit taller.
Posting Permissions
Bookmarks